Whenever You're Feeling Down About the World's Woes--Just Remember Lindsay!

Yeah, peace signs are pretty cool, I guess.

Lindsay Lohan doesn't give a box of bleach about the world's economic and/or energy crisis issues, etc. etc., so on and so forth, yada yada yada; but she does have a heart, people, and that heart is breaking!

Despite a recent interview in which Lindsay stated (concerning her girlfriend, DJ and anti-depilatory cream protester, Sam Ronson) that she loves her, but that she (Lindsay) is not a lesbian, or even bisexual, really, Lindsay was spotted at 4 in the A.M. outside of some hip club that you nor I could ever weasel our way into, blubbering on the pavement like a red-headed attention whore all hopped up on cocaine.

Allegedly the twosome got into quite the lover's tiff. Aww, young, gay love (which is not gay).

It seems that Lindsay's fanbase is just as confused, and insane, and drunk as Lindsay herself. While reading the article, I caught this commentator's take on the situation:

RE: Lindsay Lohan Cries In Street

Lindsay's heart and mind are not united and she has multiple addictions. Relationship with Samantha, is the closest she's been to happy, healthy for many, many years. Lindsay's demanding an open relationship, is asking permission act out on public stage some of her addictions in search of validation and acceptance AND an illusional fix for problems with deep family roots. Needs more therapy & off public radar. Lindsay very good person but insecure, a bit spoiled, with too much public-family pressure.Samantha is a no-pretense, private and protective woman, who has neither agenda nor need to exploit Lindsay as a celebrity. Samantha deserves an award as tolerant and caring friend AND Samantha and her family are the ones with the money, so she is NOT 'in it for the money'.

Who is this Iespoir person? And why does he care so much? Does he truly know so well the ins and outs of Lindsay Lohan's private life? You'll be bored to death to know, Vomit fans, that I decided to crack down and use my investigatory skills on this one. What conclusion did my queries lead to?

A small, hairless, cologne-drenched man (possibly of a species related to the Guinea Pig family) with pretentious airs and a profile that includes a long list of wines and, what I lovingly refer to as, penis cars (the men who drive them have little penises... duhsies! LOL!)


So here are the stats on Iespoir:

39 Male

What I Enjoy: Good Friends, Real Love. - Skiing... I also enjoy Sailing, Gambeling at the Casino... Plus Collecting Rare Coins, Stamps and Books. Collecting Original Art (any artist) I value: privacy, integrity and success. Music wise I enjoy... Herbie Hancock... Soft Rock (ie: Sting, David Bowie, Robert Palmer, Foreigner. Favorite Female vocalist (Sarah Brightman, and Joni Mitchell). Favorite Drink: Water, Wine and Champagne... Favorite Calogne: Bulgari & Traditional. Clothing: Casual- Banana Republic & Ralph Lauren. Business- Armani, Gucci and Theory. Car: Porsche & Pathfinder SUV. Also, long walks on the beach and pooping my pants.

Okay, I added that last sentence; but I'm pretty sure it's true anyway. Quite a catch, don't you think, Lindsay? Be enough to persuade me from phony lesbianism any day. My faves part is at the bottom of the profile, underneath the column where "Friends and Activity" should (but is not) be:

"Woe is this Fluxer for they have no friends. Why not ease their suffering and add them to your friends list?"

First of all, I applaud this mercilessly vicious and cruel social networking site. Bravo, sirs, bravo. Just one more way to drive psychotic lonely people into righteous thoughts of suicide. You're really doing your part to rid us normies of the scum of the Earth. Real American heroes.

Second, if this Iespoir claims to know Lindsay sooo well, why is it that his BFF doesn't be-friend him on Fluxer? Why is she not listed under his "Friends and Activity" section? Listen - just because she stares out at you from the magazine covers doesn't mean she really means it, Iespoir. You're just going to have to move on... it's time.

Now, for your enjoyment, I leave you with the result of a very high-tech and dependable procedure which allows us to see what the spawn of certain persons would look like if they were ever forced to enter into this world. Without further ado, I give you the lovechild of Lindsay and Sam:



Gorgeeeeooouuuus, dahling!