Brain Vomit: Sod Off Already, Britney Spears

The floundering fuckpot formerly known as Britney Spears made her first UK television appearance in four years today on Simon Cowell's (of American Idol fame) English imitation series, X-Factor. The belligerent and bloated pop princess put on a show of Cirque-du-Soleil proportions, of which she contributed her mere presence and the occasional hip jiggle-arm flail combo. Couldn't decipher whether or not the vocals were genuinely live or previously recorded - seeing as every song the gal manages to mumble out seems to be an inaudibly lazy robot impersonation anyhow - but did notice her out-of-breath, vaguely interested responses to the post-performance questions, as delivered by Britain's less pretty, but equally star-struck version of Ryan Seacrest.

Poor excuse for a T.V. journalist: (paraphrased) "What advice can you give to the contestants tonight?"

Shadow of her former self, Britney "I should have had those abortions - religion is for suckers" Spears: "Um, good luck, and um, just... keep doin' it."

Well said, Nike. Maybe if they keep 'doin' it' they can end up washed up at 27 years of age as well; with two children that they never seem to tend to, a matching number of ex-husbands (one of whom resembles a peculiar-smelling, Marky Mark-ian mongoose), and that little extra layer of charming belly fat which makes it sooo much easier to give the impression that one is attempting to dance, even at the very slightest of movements.

An entire football field of be-sparkled props, energetic circus dancers, and flowing fountains of flame - and this isn't enough to get your alleged dancer's booty into the groove? What will it take to see you accomplish more than making an awkward loop around the stage? Though, maybe we should be impressed despite the seeming ordinariness of it all. Half the time we witness her in TMZ clips where she can't even execute so much as a stroll to the car (though she still somehow manages to legally and safely drive herself home - reality truly is more incredible than fiction). Nowadays, it appears that the elaborate sets, costumes, special effects, and swarm of seriously talented "back-up" dancers are there merely to serve as a distraction from the blundering, half- anesthetized Spears. A very carefully thought out optical illusion that the UK audience, if no one else, appears to fall for. It's official: the Brits love them some Britney.

God - you're like The Coneheads' ugly child.

As for Simon Cowell, despite my ever-flowing feelings of loathing toward the man, this was the one instance where I was actually looking forward to hearing him utter some obnoxious, bullyish critique in that famous pretension-laced accent of his; and yet - nothing. A standing ovation? How dare you call yourself an outspoken asshole!

I suppose that his rants are somewhat less of a phenomenon when he's back home, overseas. The accent becomes a bit of a novelty when every one else has got it too.