Drunk at the Movies!: Four Christmases

New Line Cinema's weak attempt to convince me that, were he not famous, Vince Vaughn could still pull ladies that look like Reese Witherspoon.

Rating:
2.5 out of 5 fo'ties


Who will enjoy it:
About 50% of the average American audience

I'm not really sure where to look for the "Christmas" in "Four Christmases". Though there was one joke with the word "mistletoe", and Xmas trees in every home displayed in the film, I suppose that it doesn't really matter. That's not the point of this holiday movie - the point is love... True love, to be exact.

Out of all the emotions Christmases aims to muster in its viewers, I could feel only one thing: shock. Continuously regenerated shock... at the remarkable height difference between the two lead actors.

That's gotta be like a foot and a half. She's standing on four gift boxes, and is wearing at least 5 inch heels just to look him in the face. Amazing. What an awkward sexual situation. He looks like Frankenstein and she looks like a Keebler elf. How does they make babies?

A distracting detail for me; and I hope, many others equally as shallow and uninteresting.

Real plot: Vince and Reese are a happy couple living in the big city. They both share a non-traditional view on family and marriage, and jump at any and all fabricated opportunities in order to escape visiting with their own divorced parents at Christmas. One bad airport trip, and suddenly they find themselves obligated to do just that. Going home for the holidays times four.

Here's the trailer.

Vince Vaughn plays it safe and gives us another movie filled with his trademark rambling witticisms. It's Wedding Crashers; only this time the part of the tiny blond will be portrayed by Reese Witherspoon instead of Owen Wilson. Reese does make a bit of a change, however, by impersonating a black-garbed, somewhat uptight and serious urbanista, as opposed to her more commonly seen sweet n' silly Southern belle character. She might be the only truly likable person in the movie, and somehow manages to seem slightly multifaceted and sincere in a sea of otherwise superficial personalities. Even with the famous faces inserted into the film (Sissy Spacek, Jon Voight, Tim McGraw, etc.) the acting levels out at only sub-par. With four separate Christmases to attend, the celebrity cameos are whittled down to about five minutes each: not enough screen time to make any memorable impact.

Two big brownie points go to the movie, though, for scenes which were handled somewhat uniquely, if only in this viewer's humble opinion. The first being the opening scene: All is not what it seems in a chic, San Franciscan nightclub where a lone Witherspoon is approached by a bumbling Vince. What starts out as a typical "boy meets girl, boy compliments girl, boy somehow snags girl" storyline quickly turns around into an implied R-rated romp, and a plug for somewhat unconventional relationship relations (Don't want to spoil the opening with too many details). As stereotypical as it may get later on, the film does make attempts to show that not all love stories have to steer the same stale route in order to be successful and satisfying; though it does ultimately end on quite the traditional romantic note. Still, it's good while it lasts... and those who don't dream about the typical suburban-American fairytale get to enjoy a few amusingly well-put arguments as to why marriage, babies, and sex limited to the bedroom aren't the only way to live and love in the U.S.

The second scene comes much later. Finally, finally, finally someone gets the guts to mock, however briefly, the ridiculous churches with the dancing neon spotlights, the rock star-esque preachers, the humongous T.V. screens, and a fan base that rivals Backstreet Boys' back in their glory days... way back before they turned 57. Frankie and Keebs sit in speechless confusion as the revivalist circus commences around them, probably uncertain as to whether they're sitting through mass or a live recording of American Idol. I've found myself in such a situation, found it to be appalling; and have since wondered why the topic is not more frequently discussed and/or spoofed. Well - finally - there it is. Thank you, New Line.

Although I found some scenes uncomfortable due to their obvious expectation of laughter, and their actual receipt of silence, Four Christmases is a comedy/romance which could certainly be called "enjoyable", if nothing else. You'll get a decent-sized laugh at least thrice, and though it probably won't be enough to warm your heart, it might at least warm up your little toesies... so long as you don't forget to wear socks.


Verdict: You can skip this one; but if you're looking for a holiday themed movie it might be one of your only options. So, if that be the case: go right on ahead, Christmas-head.

But don't take my word for it: Professional review here.

Drunk at the Movies!: Role Models

Rating:

4 out of 5 Fo'ties.

Who will enjoy it:
Everyone (except those who dislike gratuitious filthy language,
but those fucking people don't fucking matter anyway. Penis.).
Fratties and intellectuals alike can appreciate.

Paying money to watch shitty comedies is not an experience I typically subject myself to at the movie theatre. A flimsy and unfulfilling hour and a half, chop full of three cheap laughs does not a well-spent hard earned $10 make (see: Zack and Miri Make a Porno); but I recently took a chance, and, luckily, it was on Role Models. Mostly, maybe, because the movie features two male actors which I find physically attractive - I'll put my ogling aside, and leave it at that - but also because the trailer made me laugh more in 3 minutes than the whole 101 min of the aforementioned Kevin Smith flick (a mushy, gushy romance with scenes of hardcore porn spliced in - Titanic with tits). The movie (Role Models, that is) is predictable, but despite its predictability, still manages to be satisfying in every aspect.

Watch the trailer; but here's a quick synopsis: two co-workers - one who loves his Red Bull rip-off promoting lifestyle, and one who hates it - break the law (in a very funny battle with a tow-truck driver) and end up having to put in community service time at a youth outreach program (think Big Brother/Big Sister). Neither of them is happy about it. Cue rest of film.

Sean William Scott does his typical frat guy impersonation - lots of sex with random "hotties", a lot of the word 'fuck', and because of it, much foul-mouthed, machismo hilarity ensues. Throw into the mix a little kid who also loves "boobies", cursing, and physically abusing his elders (oh, and argues that every white person is Ben Affleck - especially Paul Rudd. "Wha'ssup, Reindeer Games?") - and you've got a twosome the likes of which haven't been seen since Kindergarten Cop.

Next Paul Rudd, who takes the Paul Rudd route. I was the only pretentious asshole in the theatre to laugh during a Fellini reference, and I peed myself a little when he went off on a Starbucks barista concerning the "tall, grande, venti" language. "Congratulations - you're an idiot in three languages." He's witty, quick, and hates everyone/everything that a bitter depresso should hate - including himself - and you have to love and respect him for it. Now pair him with a Dungeons and Dragons uber-geek who lives solely for live-action role playing (think those kids sporting medieval attire and swords that duel every Sunday in the park) and awesomeness abounds.

As one critic points out, that might just be what makes this movie work so well. The unexpected fusion of two very different schools of comedy that somehow work brilliantly together to deliver every type of quip you might want spouted out at you from a movie screen. Why hasn't anybody attempted this sooner?.. Mindless, irrelevant, dirty and offensive jokes your thing? Grouchy, intellectual puns and asshole observational humor more your style? Well, now you can laugh at both, and feel less guilty about the other in the process. The two previously feuding genres inter-mix perfectly here; not only calling a mere truce, but stepping forward hand-in-hand to display a sweet lesson of friendship that runs deeper than outward differences.
And also, plenty of the word "fuck" - and everyone likes fuck.

And even though you already know what's coming, the ending is the ultimate cherry on top of the pie on top of the whipped cream on top of the chocolate syrup which makes the whole wonderful, giggling mess worth it; and can even have the power to thoroughly brighten up your day.

That's the last thirty minutes of Role Models. A hilarious, and (dare I say it?) touching movie about lost, lonely kids; lost, lonely adults; and the power of imaginary sword-wielding with the best kind of friends - ones that will stand beside you in the Kiss Army in order to defend Middle Earth... to the death.

Verdict: If you haven't already, go see it NOW before it's out of theatres.


But don't take my word for it: Professional critique here.