Drunk at the Movies!: Role Models

Rating:

4 out of 5 Fo'ties.

Who will enjoy it:
Everyone (except those who dislike gratuitious filthy language,
but those fucking people don't fucking matter anyway. Penis.).
Fratties and intellectuals alike can appreciate.

Paying money to watch shitty comedies is not an experience I typically subject myself to at the movie theatre. A flimsy and unfulfilling hour and a half, chop full of three cheap laughs does not a well-spent hard earned $10 make (see: Zack and Miri Make a Porno); but I recently took a chance, and, luckily, it was on Role Models. Mostly, maybe, because the movie features two male actors which I find physically attractive - I'll put my ogling aside, and leave it at that - but also because the trailer made me laugh more in 3 minutes than the whole 101 min of the aforementioned Kevin Smith flick (a mushy, gushy romance with scenes of hardcore porn spliced in - Titanic with tits). The movie (Role Models, that is) is predictable, but despite its predictability, still manages to be satisfying in every aspect.

Watch the trailer; but here's a quick synopsis: two co-workers - one who loves his Red Bull rip-off promoting lifestyle, and one who hates it - break the law (in a very funny battle with a tow-truck driver) and end up having to put in community service time at a youth outreach program (think Big Brother/Big Sister). Neither of them is happy about it. Cue rest of film.

Sean William Scott does his typical frat guy impersonation - lots of sex with random "hotties", a lot of the word 'fuck', and because of it, much foul-mouthed, machismo hilarity ensues. Throw into the mix a little kid who also loves "boobies", cursing, and physically abusing his elders (oh, and argues that every white person is Ben Affleck - especially Paul Rudd. "Wha'ssup, Reindeer Games?") - and you've got a twosome the likes of which haven't been seen since Kindergarten Cop.

Next Paul Rudd, who takes the Paul Rudd route. I was the only pretentious asshole in the theatre to laugh during a Fellini reference, and I peed myself a little when he went off on a Starbucks barista concerning the "tall, grande, venti" language. "Congratulations - you're an idiot in three languages." He's witty, quick, and hates everyone/everything that a bitter depresso should hate - including himself - and you have to love and respect him for it. Now pair him with a Dungeons and Dragons uber-geek who lives solely for live-action role playing (think those kids sporting medieval attire and swords that duel every Sunday in the park) and awesomeness abounds.

As one critic points out, that might just be what makes this movie work so well. The unexpected fusion of two very different schools of comedy that somehow work brilliantly together to deliver every type of quip you might want spouted out at you from a movie screen. Why hasn't anybody attempted this sooner?.. Mindless, irrelevant, dirty and offensive jokes your thing? Grouchy, intellectual puns and asshole observational humor more your style? Well, now you can laugh at both, and feel less guilty about the other in the process. The two previously feuding genres inter-mix perfectly here; not only calling a mere truce, but stepping forward hand-in-hand to display a sweet lesson of friendship that runs deeper than outward differences.
And also, plenty of the word "fuck" - and everyone likes fuck.

And even though you already know what's coming, the ending is the ultimate cherry on top of the pie on top of the whipped cream on top of the chocolate syrup which makes the whole wonderful, giggling mess worth it; and can even have the power to thoroughly brighten up your day.

That's the last thirty minutes of Role Models. A hilarious, and (dare I say it?) touching movie about lost, lonely kids; lost, lonely adults; and the power of imaginary sword-wielding with the best kind of friends - ones that will stand beside you in the Kiss Army in order to defend Middle Earth... to the death.

Verdict: If you haven't already, go see it NOW before it's out of theatres.


But don't take my word for it: Professional critique here.

Tim Burton to Johnny Depp, "You're Nothing but a Cocktease and Heavenly Bone Structure!"

"Whosoever wears the eyeliner... gets bottomsies!!"

Another Johnny Depp and Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter and Danny Elfman collaboration/reunion movie. This time, a remake of Alice in Wonderland (more on the rest of the castlist, which is actually superb minus Anne Hathoway. Do I smell a new celebrity obsession for Mr. Burton? We shall see, we shall see.) as endorsed by Disney. Hmmm, sounds scrumpdilioumptious. The glee of it all is sure to make those kids from junior high with poorly multi-colored dyed hair and chains hanging out of their pockets cream their best Jncos. But am I the only one getting sick of watching Johnny Depp parade around in gothic makeup in a demented cartoon land as created by Tim Burton? What happened to you Johnny Depp? Before you started sucking Tim Burton's dick you actually had some Johnny deppth (Shot in the dark. A for effort?). You had range and originality - now you have kohl liner and expensive wigs. You queen.

Depp, who is surprisingly not cast as the lead of Alice (mustache issues - more's the pity), is set to play the Mad Hatter. Oh, what a shocker. One of the most delightfully delirious and costumey-ed characters in all of Wonderland. No doubt we're in store for a reprisal of his failed Willy Wonka interpretation. Well, they do both wear giant, funny hats.

Here is one of the first images to be released:

Odd - that is exactly what Carrot Top looked like in a nightmare I suffered through the other night...

Tim Burton loves it when his bitches look dead. Case in point, his wife, Helena, who is (by her own admission) Johnny Depp with a vag(ina) ;)

Eerie. Like looking into a mirror; isn't it, Johnny?

Now for kicks and shits and curb-checks to the face, let's compose a quick recap of all of Johnny's most well-known works in which it could be said that at least 75% of the character's popularity is most likely stemmed from Gothic, theatrical makeup.

1) It begins - with Edward Scissorhands













2) Years later, he catches the itch again with Sleepy Hollow










3) Captain Jack - ever since, it seems as though Depp keeps eyeliner in his back pocket for touch-ups (Gotta have my goths!)










4) Even in claymation, as in the Corpse Bride













5) Then there was the aforementioned abomination that is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, with Johnny's Baby Michael Jackson voice-acting (and then Gene Wilder wept)









6) Then came Sweeney Todd -- Burton's ultimate orgasm. The chance to pair Helena and Johnny together in a depressing, gray environment, and to make them both look like decaying rag doll abortions.










7) And, finally, The Mad Hatter (As pictured above).

So just how much do you, the reader, guestimate of Mr. Depp's fortune and fame is due to a little $4 eye pencil? Maybe we'll never, ever know.



P.S.- On a sidenote, why for the love of white, pasty makeup does Burton/Bonham-Carter's kid look so much like a character from one of his kooky little claymations? Did someone "accidentally" take a prop home with them and bring it to life as per Frankenweenie science? Did you learn no moral lessons from that arthouse masterpiece, Tim Burton, you son of a bitch?!