Sod Off Already, Britney Spears

The floundering fuckpot formerly known as Britney Spears made her first UK television appearance in four years today on Simon Cowell's (of American Idol fame) English imitation series, X-Factor. The belligerent and bloated pop princess put on a show of Cirque-du-Soleil proportions, of which she contributed her mere presence and the occasional hip jiggle-arm flail combo. Couldn't decipher whether or not the vocals were genuinely live or previously recorded - seeing as every song the gal manages to mumble out seems to be an inaudibly lazy robot impersonation anyhow - but did notice her out-of-breath, vaguely interested responses to the post-performance questions, as delivered by Britain's less pretty, but equally star-struck version of Ryan Seacrest.

Poor excuse for a T.V. journalist: (paraphrased) "What advice can you give to the contestants tonight?"

Shadow of her former self, Britney "I should have had those abortions - religion is for suckers" Spears: "Um, good luck, and um, just... keep doin' it."

Well said, Nike. Maybe if they keep 'doin' it' they can end up washed up at 27 years of age as well; with two children that they never seem to tend to, a matching number of ex-husbands (one of whom resembles a peculiar-smelling, Marky Mark-ian mongoose), and that little extra layer of charming belly fat which makes it sooo much easier to give the impression that one is attempting to dance, even at the very slightest of movements.

An entire football field of be-sparkled props, energetic circus dancers, and flowing fountains of flame - and this isn't enough to get your alleged dancer's booty into the groove? What will it take to see you accomplish more than making an awkward loop around the stage? Though, maybe we should be impressed despite the seeming ordinariness of it all. Half the time we witness her in TMZ clips where she can't even execute so much as a stroll to the car (though she still somehow manages to legally and safely drive herself home - reality truly is more incredible than fiction). Nowadays, it appears that the elaborate sets, costumes, special effects, and swarm of seriously talented "back-up" dancers are there merely to serve as a distraction from the blundering, half- anesthetized Spears. A very carefully thought out optical illusion that the UK audience, if no one else, appears to fall for. It's official: the Brits love them some Britney.

God - you're like The Coneheads' ugly child.

As for Simon Cowell, despite my ever-flowing feelings of loathing toward the man, this was the one instance where I was actually looking forward to hearing him utter some obnoxious, bullyish critique in that famous pretension-laced accent of his; and yet - nothing. A standing ovation? How dare you call yourself an outspoken asshole!

I suppose that his rants are somewhat less of a phenomenon when he's back home, overseas. The accent becomes a bit of a novelty when every one else has got it too.

Christ - who made you famous? Oh. Oh yeah.
Is... Is she.... Is she?... Farting?

Madonna is Yuckies. That is all.

Madonna Set on Not Giving a Shit Concerning Recent Divorce

According to some unnamed source that People.com utilizes, "It's a sad situation, but she's not heartbroken... She's handling it well." Yes, usually sex with men other than your (ex) husband does translate into "handling it well".

Madonna, of course, can attribute much of her fame and success to her scandalous whoring. Sex videos, sex books, sex with animals, sex with celebrities, sex with celebrity animals (We hear Foghorn Leghorn is a real COCK. Not funny? Yeah, you're probably right - not funny.)... you name it - Madonna's got the t-shirt.

It comes with XL loose-fitting sleeves for her big muscilicious yoga arms to fit into! (May I just add.... most horrifying photo shop I've ever done. Ever.)

People goes on to report,

Also helping her through the tough time is her ex-husband. The singer and [Sean] Penn were spotted having drinks at the Greenwich Hotel in Manhattan on Wednesday night. "They have a nice rapport," says the source. "There's nothing romantic there."

"Nothing romantic" because having sex with Madonna is not romantic. Having sex with Madonna is paid, forced, or disturbing. Just ask that monkey. Di-stur-bing. And anyway, no one wants to have sex with Sean Penn anymore either. No one likes old people sex; no one except fans of the movie The Notebook.

Get over yourself, Nicholas Sparks, you sick, old-person loving bastard.

Eventually, the joke will be on Madonna, however. While Ritchie was wedded to the ancient succubus and sex addict, he reportedly discovered her Mystical Blood Crystal of Aljesuousbursmos hidden deep, deep beneath her granny panty drawer (which is guarded by the giant, fantastical three-headed dog, Fluffy, from Harry Potter - it pays to be rich).

This life-giving relic has kept Madonna active, fit, making out with pop icons, and producing records for the last 100 or so years - and now it belongs to Ritchie. Due to this trade-off (and possibly the only explanation as to why Ritchie did not ask for more of Madonna's $$$ in the divorce settlement), it is prophesied that Madonna shall die in the year 2012 of a massive heart attack (during sex with monkeys... And so it shall pass.), while Guy is now set to make Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Laser Guns; de-virginize Miley Cyrus (who's into old guys anyway. Am I right, or am I right?); and get just as notoriously old person ripped as his gap-toothed predecessor. Let the games begin!!

Lindsay Update!!!

While Sam Ronson was off at yet another anti-hair removal cream rally...

(I'm sayin' that bitch got a 'stache, y'all)

Exhibit A:
























Ok, yes, I admit - it's difficult to see at this distance; but I assure you - it's there... and may I add: very much alive. In case I have yet to convince you, let's zoom in for a more detailed look:



















Mustache hungryyy!!!

Now, while Sam was off valiantly fighting for a cause that she so blatantly and understandably believes in (billions of feminine mustaches are harmed or killed off each day by smelly depilatory creams, bleaches, etc.), Lindsay was commencing some unquestionably scandalous behavior.

Gasp!! Could it be? Could Lindsay have possibly fallen for the infamous seductive powers of...

Burgers aren't the only thing he burgles.
Damn he's good.

Whenever You're Feeling Down About the World's Woes--Just Remember Lindsay!

Yeah, peace signs are pretty cool, I guess.

Lindsay Lohan doesn't give a box of bleach about the world's economic and/or energy crisis issues, etc. etc., so on and so forth, yada yada yada; but she does have a heart, people, and that heart is breaking!

Despite a recent interview in which Lindsay stated (concerning her girlfriend, DJ and anti-depilatory cream protester, Sam Ronson) that she loves her, but that she (Lindsay) is not a lesbian, or even bisexual, really, Lindsay was spotted at 4 in the A.M. outside of some hip club that you nor I could ever weasel our way into, blubbering on the pavement like a red-headed attention whore all hopped up on cocaine.

Allegedly the twosome got into quite the lover's tiff. Aww, young, gay love (which is not gay).

It seems that Lindsay's fanbase is just as confused, and insane, and drunk as Lindsay herself. While reading the article, I caught this commentator's take on the situation:

RE: Lindsay Lohan Cries In Street

Lindsay's heart and mind are not united and she has multiple addictions. Relationship with Samantha, is the closest she's been to happy, healthy for many, many years. Lindsay's demanding an open relationship, is asking permission act out on public stage some of her addictions in search of validation and acceptance AND an illusional fix for problems with deep family roots. Needs more therapy & off public radar. Lindsay very good person but insecure, a bit spoiled, with too much public-family pressure.Samantha is a no-pretense, private and protective woman, who has neither agenda nor need to exploit Lindsay as a celebrity. Samantha deserves an award as tolerant and caring friend AND Samantha and her family are the ones with the money, so she is NOT 'in it for the money'.

Who is this Iespoir person? And why does he care so much? Does he truly know so well the ins and outs of Lindsay Lohan's private life? You'll be bored to death to know, Vomit fans, that I decided to crack down and use my investigatory skills on this one. What conclusion did my queries lead to?

A small, hairless, cologne-drenched man (possibly of a species related to the Guinea Pig family) with pretentious airs and a profile that includes a long list of wines and, what I lovingly refer to as, penis cars (the men who drive them have little penises... duhsies! LOL!)


So here are the stats on Iespoir:

39 Male

What I Enjoy: Good Friends, Real Love. - Skiing... I also enjoy Sailing, Gambeling at the Casino... Plus Collecting Rare Coins, Stamps and Books. Collecting Original Art (any artist) I value: privacy, integrity and success. Music wise I enjoy... Herbie Hancock... Soft Rock (ie: Sting, David Bowie, Robert Palmer, Foreigner. Favorite Female vocalist (Sarah Brightman, and Joni Mitchell). Favorite Drink: Water, Wine and Champagne... Favorite Calogne: Bulgari & Traditional. Clothing: Casual- Banana Republic & Ralph Lauren. Business- Armani, Gucci and Theory. Car: Porsche & Pathfinder SUV. Also, long walks on the beach and pooping my pants.

Okay, I added that last sentence; but I'm pretty sure it's true anyway. Quite a catch, don't you think, Lindsay? Be enough to persuade me from phony lesbianism any day. My faves part is at the bottom of the profile, underneath the column where "Friends and Activity" should (but is not) be:

"Woe is this Fluxer for they have no friends. Why not ease their suffering and add them to your friends list?"

First of all, I applaud this mercilessly vicious and cruel social networking site. Bravo, sirs, bravo. Just one more way to drive psychotic lonely people into righteous thoughts of suicide. You're really doing your part to rid us normies of the scum of the Earth. Real American heroes.

Second, if this Iespoir claims to know Lindsay sooo well, why is it that his BFF doesn't be-friend him on Fluxer? Why is she not listed under his "Friends and Activity" section? Listen - just because she stares out at you from the magazine covers doesn't mean she really means it, Iespoir. You're just going to have to move on... it's time.

Now, for your enjoyment, I leave you with the result of a very high-tech and dependable procedure which allows us to see what the spawn of certain persons would look like if they were ever forced to enter into this world. Without further ado, I give you the lovechild of Lindsay and Sam:



Gorgeeeeooouuuus, dahling!