Dow Jones Admits "Pressure too great", Turns to Life of Cocaine Abuse
Dow Jones comes out to tell the world "Enough is enough" and that "[I've] been struggling with the ups and downs of the market... I just haven't been able to overcome the lack of faith and support, along with all the negativity and disappointment. It's been a constant downward spiral... I've just got to numb myself out, you know what I mean? I just gotta numb myself the [expletive] out. I feel myself crashing."
Those close to Jones have been suspicious for months. "He wasn't showing up at work half of the time. I mean... 400 points in one day? He was dropping straight to the floor. We haven't seen this kind of irresponsible trend in years. We thought we had it all together, thought we had it made on the market... We were all taking unnecessary risks... it's a kind of high in itself."
As loved ones attempt an intervention (which has been somewhat successful - Jones closed at a nearly 500 point increase Friday, November 20th) Jones joins the ranks of many a celebrity coke-head: Robert Downy Jr., Courtney Love, Lindsay Lohan, (Soon-to-be) Former President George W. Bush, Yogi Bear, and so on, and so on.
"The issues with CitiBank and GM.... if someone doesn't help out soon, I just don't know... Maybe he just needs to learn his lesson. Maybe we all need to learn a lesson."
Dow Jones comes out to tell the world "Enough is enough" and that "[I've] been struggling with the ups and downs of the market... I just haven't been able to overcome the lack of faith and support, along with all the negativity and disappointment. It's been a constant downward spiral... I've just got to numb myself out, you know what I mean? I just gotta numb myself the [expletive] out. I feel myself crashing."Those close to Jones have been suspicious for months. "He wasn't showing up at work half of the time. I mean... 400 points in one day? He was dropping straight to the floor. We haven't seen this kind of irresponsible trend in years. We thought we had it all together, thought we had it made on the market... We were all taking unnecessary risks... it's a kind of high in itself."
As loved ones attempt an intervention (which has been somewhat successful - Jones closed at a nearly 500 point increase Friday, November 20th) Jones joins the ranks of many a celebrity coke-head: Robert Downy Jr., Courtney Love, Lindsay Lohan, (Soon-to-be) Former President George W. Bush, Yogi Bear, and so on, and so on.
"The issues with CitiBank and GM.... if someone doesn't help out soon, I just don't know... Maybe he just needs to learn his lesson. Maybe we all need to learn a lesson."
No word yet on who will be taking responsibility for Nasdaq. Until the economy turns around, and Jones overcomes his many problems, it appears that the youth is doomed to be left unmonitored in a cold, harsh, unstable and unpredictable market - a recipe for disaster - not to mention - child predators.
Be you frightened, child?
Vomit vows to keep you up to date on these critical issues. Visit any local department store or car lot near you to find more information on how to donate funds. Together we can save our economy! (And find out how to receive a free American flag lapel pin with every $5 or more donation!)
Be you frightened, child?Vomit vows to keep you up to date on these critical issues. Visit any local department store or car lot near you to find more information on how to donate funds. Together we can save our economy! (And find out how to receive a free American flag lapel pin with every $5 or more donation!)
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