Tim Burton to Johnny Depp, "You're Nothing but a Cocktease and Heavenly Bone Structure!"

"Whosoever wears the eyeliner... gets bottomsies!!"

Another Johnny Depp and Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter and Danny Elfman collaboration/reunion movie. This time, a remake of Alice in Wonderland (more on the rest of the castlist, which is actually superb minus Anne Hathoway. Do I smell a new celebrity obsession for Mr. Burton? We shall see, we shall see.) as endorsed by Disney. Hmmm, sounds scrumpdilioumptious. The glee of it all is sure to make those kids from junior high with poorly multi-colored dyed hair and chains hanging out of their pockets cream their best Jncos. But am I the only one getting sick of watching Johnny Depp parade around in gothic makeup in a demented cartoon land as created by Tim Burton? What happened to you Johnny Depp? Before you started sucking Tim Burton's dick you actually had some Johnny deppth (Shot in the dark. A for effort?). You had range and originality - now you have kohl liner and expensive wigs. You queen.

Depp, who is surprisingly not cast as the lead of Alice (mustache issues - more's the pity), is set to play the Mad Hatter. Oh, what a shocker. One of the most delightfully delirious and costumey-ed characters in all of Wonderland. No doubt we're in store for a reprisal of his failed Willy Wonka interpretation. Well, they do both wear giant, funny hats.

Here is one of the first images to be released:

Odd - that is exactly what Carrot Top looked like in a nightmare I suffered through the other night...

Tim Burton loves it when his bitches look dead. Case in point, his wife, Helena, who is (by her own admission) Johnny Depp with a vag(ina) ;)

Eerie. Like looking into a mirror; isn't it, Johnny?

Now for kicks and shits and curb-checks to the face, let's compose a quick recap of all of Johnny's most well-known works in which it could be said that at least 75% of the character's popularity is most likely stemmed from Gothic, theatrical makeup.

1) It begins - with Edward Scissorhands













2) Years later, he catches the itch again with Sleepy Hollow










3) Captain Jack - ever since, it seems as though Depp keeps eyeliner in his back pocket for touch-ups (Gotta have my goths!)










4) Even in claymation, as in the Corpse Bride













5) Then there was the aforementioned abomination that is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, with Johnny's Baby Michael Jackson voice-acting (and then Gene Wilder wept)









6) Then came Sweeney Todd -- Burton's ultimate orgasm. The chance to pair Helena and Johnny together in a depressing, gray environment, and to make them both look like decaying rag doll abortions.










7) And, finally, The Mad Hatter (As pictured above).

So just how much do you, the reader, guestimate of Mr. Depp's fortune and fame is due to a little $4 eye pencil? Maybe we'll never, ever know.



P.S.- On a sidenote, why for the love of white, pasty makeup does Burton/Bonham-Carter's kid look so much like a character from one of his kooky little claymations? Did someone "accidentally" take a prop home with them and bring it to life as per Frankenweenie science? Did you learn no moral lessons from that arthouse masterpiece, Tim Burton, you son of a bitch?!