And now it's time for...

Dow Jones Admits "Pressure too great", Turns to Life of Cocaine Abuse

Dow Jones comes out to tell the world "Enough is enough" and that "[I've] been struggling with the ups and downs of the market... I just haven't been able to overcome the lack of faith and support, along with all the negativity and disappointment. It's been a constant downward spiral... I've just got to numb myself out, you know what I mean? I just gotta numb myself the [expletive] out. I feel myself crashing."

Those close to Jones have been suspicious for months. "He wasn't showing up at work half of the time. I mean... 400 points in one day? He was dropping straight to the floor. We haven't seen this kind of irresponsible trend in years. We thought we had it all together, thought we had it made on the market... We were all taking unnecessary risks... it's a kind of high in itself."

As loved ones attempt an intervention (which has been somewhat successful - Jones closed at a nearly 500 point increase Friday, November 20th) Jones joins the ranks of many a celebrity coke-head: Robert Downy Jr., Courtney Love, Lindsay Lohan, (Soon-to-be) Former President George W. Bush, Yogi Bear, and so on, and so on.

"The issues with CitiBank and GM.... if someone doesn't help out soon, I just don't know... Maybe he just needs to learn his lesson. Maybe we all need to learn a lesson."

No word yet on who will be taking responsibility for Nasdaq. Until the economy turns around, and Jones overcomes his many problems, it appears that the youth is doomed to be left unmonitored in a cold, harsh, unstable and unpredictable market - a recipe for disaster - not to mention - child predators.

Be you frightened, child?

Vomit vows to keep you up to date on these critical issues. Visit any local department store or car lot near you to find more information on how to donate funds. Together we can save our economy! (And find out how to receive a free American flag lapel pin with every $5 or more donation!)

Lindsay Update!!!

While Sam Ronson was off at yet another anti-hair removal cream rally...

(I'm sayin' that bitch got a 'stache, y'all)

Exhibit A:
























Ok, yes, I admit - it's difficult to see at this distance; but I assure you - it's there... and may I add: very much alive. In case I have yet to convince you, let's zoom in for a more detailed look:



















Mustache hungryyy!!!

Now, while Sam was off valiantly fighting for a cause that she so blatantly and understandably believes in (billions of feminine mustaches are harmed or killed off each day by smelly depilatory creams, bleaches, etc.), Lindsay was commencing some unquestionably scandalous behavior.

Gasp!! Could it be? Could Lindsay have possibly fallen for the infamous seductive powers of...

Burgers aren't the only thing he burgles.
Damn he's good.

Whenever You're Feeling Down About the World's Woes--Just Remember Lindsay!

Yeah, peace signs are pretty cool, I guess.

Lindsay Lohan doesn't give a box of bleach about the world's economic and/or energy crisis issues, etc. etc., so on and so forth, yada yada yada; but she does have a heart, people, and that heart is breaking!

Despite a recent interview in which Lindsay stated (concerning her girlfriend, DJ and anti-depilatory cream protester, Sam Ronson) that she loves her, but that she (Lindsay) is not a lesbian, or even bisexual, really, Lindsay was spotted at 4 in the A.M. outside of some hip club that you nor I could ever weasel our way into, blubbering on the pavement like a red-headed attention whore all hopped up on cocaine.

Allegedly the twosome got into quite the lover's tiff. Aww, young, gay love (which is not gay).

It seems that Lindsay's fanbase is just as confused, and insane, and drunk as Lindsay herself. While reading the article, I caught this commentator's take on the situation:

RE: Lindsay Lohan Cries In Street

Lindsay's heart and mind are not united and she has multiple addictions. Relationship with Samantha, is the closest she's been to happy, healthy for many, many years. Lindsay's demanding an open relationship, is asking permission act out on public stage some of her addictions in search of validation and acceptance AND an illusional fix for problems with deep family roots. Needs more therapy & off public radar. Lindsay very good person but insecure, a bit spoiled, with too much public-family pressure.Samantha is a no-pretense, private and protective woman, who has neither agenda nor need to exploit Lindsay as a celebrity. Samantha deserves an award as tolerant and caring friend AND Samantha and her family are the ones with the money, so she is NOT 'in it for the money'.

Who is this Iespoir person? And why does he care so much? Does he truly know so well the ins and outs of Lindsay Lohan's private life? You'll be bored to death to know, Vomit fans, that I decided to crack down and use my investigatory skills on this one. What conclusion did my queries lead to?

A small, hairless, cologne-drenched man (possibly of a species related to the Guinea Pig family) with pretentious airs and a profile that includes a long list of wines and, what I lovingly refer to as, penis cars (the men who drive them have little penises... duhsies! LOL!)


So here are the stats on Iespoir:

39 Male

What I Enjoy: Good Friends, Real Love. - Skiing... I also enjoy Sailing, Gambeling at the Casino... Plus Collecting Rare Coins, Stamps and Books. Collecting Original Art (any artist) I value: privacy, integrity and success. Music wise I enjoy... Herbie Hancock... Soft Rock (ie: Sting, David Bowie, Robert Palmer, Foreigner. Favorite Female vocalist (Sarah Brightman, and Joni Mitchell). Favorite Drink: Water, Wine and Champagne... Favorite Calogne: Bulgari & Traditional. Clothing: Casual- Banana Republic & Ralph Lauren. Business- Armani, Gucci and Theory. Car: Porsche & Pathfinder SUV. Also, long walks on the beach and pooping my pants.

Okay, I added that last sentence; but I'm pretty sure it's true anyway. Quite a catch, don't you think, Lindsay? Be enough to persuade me from phony lesbianism any day. My faves part is at the bottom of the profile, underneath the column where "Friends and Activity" should (but is not) be:

"Woe is this Fluxer for they have no friends. Why not ease their suffering and add them to your friends list?"

First of all, I applaud this mercilessly vicious and cruel social networking site. Bravo, sirs, bravo. Just one more way to drive psychotic lonely people into righteous thoughts of suicide. You're really doing your part to rid us normies of the scum of the Earth. Real American heroes.

Second, if this Iespoir claims to know Lindsay sooo well, why is it that his BFF doesn't be-friend him on Fluxer? Why is she not listed under his "Friends and Activity" section? Listen - just because she stares out at you from the magazine covers doesn't mean she really means it, Iespoir. You're just going to have to move on... it's time.

Now, for your enjoyment, I leave you with the result of a very high-tech and dependable procedure which allows us to see what the spawn of certain persons would look like if they were ever forced to enter into this world. Without further ado, I give you the lovechild of Lindsay and Sam:



Gorgeeeeooouuuus, dahling!

Jacksonville FL Sherriff's Office Vows to Turn Rape Victim onto Life of Prostitution

This guy, who raped the victim... This guy, who's name is Jonathan Tave, who I have pictured here on this black and white print out from my house with Sharpie scribble all over it...

More cohesive and professional story here:

Correctional Officer raped by inmate, intends to sue employer due to inadequate security

According to Henry E. Gare, a local attorney and adamant (but, ehhhhhhh, not so funny) blogger, it is up for debate whether or not the victim will see any success with her intended lawsuit against the JSO.

The big question in her case is if she will be allowed to go forward with this Jacksonville lawsuit against her employer or will worker's compensation be her only legal remedy.

Oh, it is my wish of wishes and dream of dreams that my place of employment would financially compensate me for getting a free shag in the library at shankpoint. Not fair! What’dya think’ll cut it? Like, a 20? Twenty bucks? It couldn’t have been that good - I heard her on the radio, and she said all she did was stare at the ceiling the whole time. Twenty seems fair considering services rendered. I've done less than that in bed and gotten nothin'. But, on the up side, I now get to spend an eternity burning in Hell for writing this article. Mazal Tov!

Tim Burton to Johnny Depp, "You're Nothing but a Cocktease and Heavenly Bone Structure!"

"Whosoever wears the eyeliner... gets bottomsies!!"

Another Johnny Depp and Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter and Danny Elfman collaboration/reunion movie. This time, a remake of Alice in Wonderland (more on the rest of the castlist, which is actually superb minus Anne Hathoway. Do I smell a new celebrity obsession for Mr. Burton? We shall see, we shall see.) as endorsed by Disney. Hmmm, sounds scrumpdilioumptious. The glee of it all is sure to make those kids from junior high with poorly multi-colored dyed hair and chains hanging out of their pockets cream their best Jncos. But am I the only one getting sick of watching Johnny Depp parade around in gothic makeup in a demented cartoon land as created by Tim Burton? What happened to you Johnny Depp? Before you started sucking Tim Burton's dick you actually had some Johnny deppth (Shot in the dark. A for effort?). You had range and originality - now you have kohl liner and expensive wigs. You queen.

Depp, who is surprisingly not cast as the lead of Alice (mustache issues - more's the pity), is set to play the Mad Hatter. Oh, what a shocker. One of the most delightfully delirious and costumey-ed characters in all of Wonderland. No doubt we're in store for a reprisal of his failed Willy Wonka interpretation. Well, they do both wear giant, funny hats.

Here is one of the first images to be released:

Odd - that is exactly what Carrot Top looked like in a nightmare I suffered through the other night...

Tim Burton loves it when his bitches look dead. Case in point, his wife, Helena, who is (by her own admission) Johnny Depp with a vag(ina) ;)

Eerie. Like looking into a mirror; isn't it, Johnny?

Now for kicks and shits and curb-checks to the face, let's compose a quick recap of all of Johnny's most well-known works in which it could be said that at least 75% of the character's popularity is most likely stemmed from Gothic, theatrical makeup.

1) It begins - with Edward Scissorhands













2) Years later, he catches the itch again with Sleepy Hollow










3) Captain Jack - ever since, it seems as though Depp keeps eyeliner in his back pocket for touch-ups (Gotta have my goths!)










4) Even in claymation, as in the Corpse Bride













5) Then there was the aforementioned abomination that is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, with Johnny's Baby Michael Jackson voice-acting (and then Gene Wilder wept)









6) Then came Sweeney Todd -- Burton's ultimate orgasm. The chance to pair Helena and Johnny together in a depressing, gray environment, and to make them both look like decaying rag doll abortions.










7) And, finally, The Mad Hatter (As pictured above).

So just how much do you, the reader, guestimate of Mr. Depp's fortune and fame is due to a little $4 eye pencil? Maybe we'll never, ever know.



P.S.- On a sidenote, why for the love of white, pasty makeup does Burton/Bonham-Carter's kid look so much like a character from one of his kooky little claymations? Did someone "accidentally" take a prop home with them and bring it to life as per Frankenweenie science? Did you learn no moral lessons from that arthouse masterpiece, Tim Burton, you son of a bitch?!

Obama Puts Ho in Place on 60 Minutes

Now I know that I'm a little late making a post concerning this subject. Obama's interview on 60 Minutes was upwards of a week and a half ago, but in my defense, this blog was not in effect at that particular time. So let's ignore the problem, and move on to the real issues - marital issues, that is.

That's right. You heard it here first. Michelle and Barack are falling apart (The sexy and happy couple pictured above). The vigorous campaigning away from home that occurred all throughout the last two years, the stress of the upcoming presidential office, the indecision on what kind of puppy to get for the girls. All of which must be terrible for Mrs. Obama to cope with. But what really irks the soon-to-be first lady, is the Pesident-elect's lack of appreciation for an (over)opinionated woman.

Here, the recent interview with both Barack and Michelle on 60 Minutes:

Interview with the Obamas - Click to watch!

You'll notice that President-elect Obama does a pretty damn good job on his own for most of the interview. Then 60 Minutes decides to allow the Missus onto the program (This at about 20 minutes in).

Then suddenly the interview turns into a smörgåsbord of boring old stories about college apartments and slumber parties and school trips. Every question thrown at the couple gets immediately intercepted by the future first lady, and receives a rambling and lengthy response. To the point that in order to answer the final question of the interview, Barack is forced to bitch slap Michelle and talk about manlier topics - like college football.

The public diss caught on tape!

Ooh, Obama, you a bad mutha--Michelle, shut yo' mouth!

Michelle sneaks in one final retort, however... a subtle symbol to represent her feelings.

That's the spirit, Michelle... Don't you let The Man bring you down!