[Belated] ART News.

DUMPED! by Meg Wachter...

A very cool collection of photographs where the artist throws different types of food at her friends' heads and then snaps pictures. Love it.

You can buy these photos in book-form through the link above. Fun, silly, and prrreeeetty!!


High art in food fight form. Yippee!

Where Are They Now?

Ever wondered what happened to certain actors from Hollywood past? Yeah, you do. Let's take a quick look at who they were, where they are now, and what it took for them to get there. Join me on this mystical path full of slander, and lies; damned lies.

First up: Toby from everybody's favorite 80s fantasy flick, Labyrinth. Also starring the magnificently diva-ed out David Bowie and a very young Jennifer Connelly.

Toby has grown all up, gained some baby fat, and failed to grow any additional amount of hair on his head.
That's right! It's Phillip Seymour Hoffman, everybody!! Hasn't changed much, huh? Somebody get this man a pair of red and white striped footy pajamas, so he can relive his glorious baby past.


Next up: A more recent actor. This (female) actor is always finding new ways to prove her wide range of talents. Not only is she good at vomiting up meals, sporting corsets, pouting her lips, spouting Jane Austen prose through her severe under bite, swashbuckling... you get the picture...

...Keira Knightley, of course!.. is also, apparently, successful at portraying vampire characters. Knightley wanted to display a totally new persona for her newest film, Twilight, in which she portrays the well-known lead vampire character, Edward Cullen.

Though she dons a phony name, Robert Pattison, you can't bullshit a bullshitter. I could spot that malnourished frame, clenched jaw, and rosily flushed cheek anywhere. Way to transform yourself for the role - that shows dedication. Let's get this girl an Oscar.

(Other rumors claim that the so-called "Rob Pattison" could also be the well known Geico Gecko post cosmetic surgery, due to his lanky appearance, sallow features, and scaly skin. But Vomit has failed to uncover any substantial supporting evidence. We're only interested in facts here; we'll let you be the final judge.)

And one more: This is an actor I've both blogged and polled about on previous occasions. His eyeliner fetish is what I speculate to be the cause of his fame, and he's got a very special relationship (they boing) with Tim Burton. Why else would they do so many movies together? Obsession is a powerful thing.


This is where Mr. Depp is now, of course; we're doing it backwards with Johnny (just the way he likes it). Where he came from, though is a different story. Anyone remember a little film called "The Anthropophagus Beast"? There probably aren't many of you who would. What is it then?: A semi-successful 1980 Italian horror film.

The plot, as described by Wikipedia:

"A group of tourists arrive on a small Greek island, only to find it almost completely deserted. It seems that the only person still alive there is a blind girl who does not know what has happened to the rest of the town, but is terrified of a man who she describes as smelling of blood.

As members of the group disappear or are murdered by a mysterious man, the survivors search for clues as to what is going on. They find a diary, which tells the story of a man who was shipwrecked with his wife and child. In order to survive, the man was forced to eat his dead family. This act drove him insane and he went on to slaughter the rest of the island's inhabitants.

In the film's most notorious scene, the killer strangles a pregnant woman while pulling the fetus from her womb and then devouring it (in reality the fetus was a skinned rabbit covered with fake blood).. The effect proved so convincing that the filmmakers were attacked and questioned as to whether they really extracted a human fetus from its mother's womb. In the end, the killer is dispatched by means of a pick axe to the stomach, but before he dies he attempts to devour himself, chewing violently on his own intestines before finally dying."

There were many rumors that the film used actual human corpses. And this is where Johnny Depp comes in - he was, indeed, one of those famed dead bodies. Literally, he was dead, and they used his lifeless body as a prop. That was the start of Johnny's long, prosperous, and dark-tinged acting career, as well as his resurrected after-life. Forget Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) - The Anthropophagus Beast is the true origin of it all. It's said that the director was so impressed with Johnny's acting abilities, even after death, that he had the voodoo lady from Weekend at Bernie's II bring him back to life. And now here we are. It's no wonder Tim Burton loves him so much.

That's all for now! See ya later, everybody!

Drunk at the Movies!: Four Christmases

New Line Cinema's weak attempt to convince me that, were he not famous, Vince Vaughn could still pull ladies that look like Reese Witherspoon.

Rating:
2.5 out of 5 fo'ties


Who will enjoy it:
About 50% of the average American audience

I'm not really sure where to look for the "Christmas" in "Four Christmases". Though there was one joke with the word "mistletoe", and Xmas trees in every home displayed in the film, I suppose that it doesn't really matter. That's not the point of this holiday movie - the point is love... True love, to be exact.

Out of all the emotions Christmases aims to muster in its viewers, I could feel only one thing: shock. Continuously regenerated shock... at the remarkable height difference between the two lead actors.

That's gotta be like a foot and a half. She's standing on four gift boxes, and is wearing at least 5 inch heels just to look him in the face. Amazing. What an awkward sexual situation. He looks like Frankenstein and she looks like a Keebler elf. How does they make babies?

A distracting detail for me; and I hope, many others equally as shallow and uninteresting.

Real plot: Vince and Reese are a happy couple living in the big city. They both share a non-traditional view on family and marriage, and jump at any and all fabricated opportunities in order to escape visiting with their own divorced parents at Christmas. One bad airport trip, and suddenly they find themselves obligated to do just that. Going home for the holidays times four.

Here's the trailer.

Vince Vaughn plays it safe and gives us another movie filled with his trademark rambling witticisms. It's Wedding Crashers; only this time the part of the tiny blond will be portrayed by Reese Witherspoon instead of Owen Wilson. Reese does make a bit of a change, however, by impersonating a black-garbed, somewhat uptight and serious urbanista, as opposed to her more commonly seen sweet n' silly Southern belle character. She might be the only truly likable person in the movie, and somehow manages to seem slightly multifaceted and sincere in a sea of otherwise superficial personalities. Even with the famous faces inserted into the film (Sissy Spacek, Jon Voight, Tim McGraw, etc.) the acting levels out at only sub-par. With four separate Christmases to attend, the celebrity cameos are whittled down to about five minutes each: not enough screen time to make any memorable impact.

Two big brownie points go to the movie, though, for scenes which were handled somewhat uniquely, if only in this viewer's humble opinion. The first being the opening scene: All is not what it seems in a chic, San Franciscan nightclub where a lone Witherspoon is approached by a bumbling Vince. What starts out as a typical "boy meets girl, boy compliments girl, boy somehow snags girl" storyline quickly turns around into an implied R-rated romp, and a plug for somewhat unconventional relationship relations (Don't want to spoil the opening with too many details). As stereotypical as it may get later on, the film does make attempts to show that not all love stories have to steer the same stale route in order to be successful and satisfying; though it does ultimately end on quite the traditional romantic note. Still, it's good while it lasts... and those who don't dream about the typical suburban-American fairytale get to enjoy a few amusingly well-put arguments as to why marriage, babies, and sex limited to the bedroom aren't the only way to live and love in the U.S.

The second scene comes much later. Finally, finally, finally someone gets the guts to mock, however briefly, the ridiculous churches with the dancing neon spotlights, the rock star-esque preachers, the humongous T.V. screens, and a fan base that rivals Backstreet Boys' back in their glory days... way back before they turned 57. Frankie and Keebs sit in speechless confusion as the revivalist circus commences around them, probably uncertain as to whether they're sitting through mass or a live recording of American Idol. I've found myself in such a situation, found it to be appalling; and have since wondered why the topic is not more frequently discussed and/or spoofed. Well - finally - there it is. Thank you, New Line.

Although I found some scenes uncomfortable due to their obvious expectation of laughter, and their actual receipt of silence, Four Christmases is a comedy/romance which could certainly be called "enjoyable", if nothing else. You'll get a decent-sized laugh at least thrice, and though it probably won't be enough to warm your heart, it might at least warm up your little toesies... so long as you don't forget to wear socks.


Verdict: You can skip this one; but if you're looking for a holiday themed movie it might be one of your only options. So, if that be the case: go right on ahead, Christmas-head.

But don't take my word for it: Professional review here.

The Week in News

My apologies for missing the entire last week and leaving you all post-less (it's finals week; that's my excuse). One heated rant aimed at the somehow successful Britney Spears does not a good blogsite make. So let me make it up to you by doing a quick recap and commentary on this past week's most gossiped about topics.

And now, the bloated and belated news (and some really, really bad photo-shopping):




News Orgs declare, "It's Official!: It's a Recession!"

Thanks for the update, CNN. Good to know you got that stuff they call 'news' on lock down.

And now, everybody; let's boogey to the recession dance!

OJ Simpson's Jailhouse Rock

Ever determined to test the law, Simpson rolls the dice once more in hopes of receiving that infamous "Get out of Jail Free" card.

Not this time, though; or so says the Vegas court system. You're headed for the slammer; not for allegedly murdering your wife, but for forcefully attempting to get back your baseball cards... or jerseys... or whatev (me don't get sports). A much less tough-sounding story for his soon-to-be fellow inmates/BFFs. Also loved the teary breakdown for the judge, "But I said me sowwie!! Please don't put me in jail!! That's how this works, right? I apologize - I'm off the hook. Fine; there are too many white people on the jury!"

We're all aware that there are a great many who believe that OJ killed his former spouse, Nicole Simpson as well as her male friend, Ronald Goldman. He even wrote that book last year called, "If I Did It" which was supposed to describe how Simpson might have committed and gotten away with said murders. Could this multi-year prison sentence be revenge for his supposed 'escape' from punishment for these crimes? The courts say "no"; but why not? After all, as many have noted, Al Capone was responsible for causing hundreds of deaths, but was finally sent to prison for tax evasion. If this truly is the case, then is justice a dish best served cold?.. and a little late? America always gets the final word, OJ; and right now she says, "Gotcha, bitch!"


Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to Pay $7 Million Bar Tab

Hill-Billy is havin' a hoedown with hopes of receiving financial aid that might alleviate Mrs. Clinton's humongous debt. December 15th is the day to be at the New York fund raiser, as hosted by America Ferrara.

So, is it because her name's America? Because, seriously... why America Ferrara? Is that how broke the Clintons are?.. They can't borrow a better celeb? Not even a Shania Twain? Morgan Freeman? Kung Fu Panda? Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

If you want to pay $1000 for a ticket, you get to meet and take a photograph with the former first lady herself. Or is it just a 15 year old in a Disney character costume with a Hillary head on it? I guess it depends on which one's cheaper.

Hillary - you go, girl. Way to pawn your debt off onto other people; I guess that's just how we democrats do.

And, if I may point out, I feel that one option was overlooked. Anybody know the value of Bill Clinton's person on the underground sex market? I think that has the potential to wipe away Hill's bills and then some... and Bill wouldn't mind either.

Former U.S. Presidents Gone Wild! (You think this is good? You should see Nixon party!)

Hope you got a chance to celebrate Prohibition Repeal Day!!

One more excuse for Americans to get drunk! December 5th, 1933 prohibition (which occurred under the Volstead Act - October 28, 1919) was repealed, and Americans were once again legally allowed to drown their sorrows and enjoy the drink of champions/homeless people: liquor. Even Jesus knew that a party without wine and/or appletinis was totally lame-o, and if alcohol is good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for America. Hope you celebrated accordingly.



Devil Throws Up and Unleashes Britney Spears' "Circus" LP into the World...

To shockingly high expectations and decent reviews. Huge sales are predicted for its Tuesday release. The Internet bloggers are abuzz - speculation on 'platinum' status is aplenty. It appears that despite my drunken rant on her drunken performances I have failed to hit a nerve and create a dent in her potential royalties. A real sucker punch to my ego.

Damn you, Spears... you win again. You're the better drunk - I admit it.



And now we're all up to date.

Sod Off Already, Britney Spears

The floundering fuckpot formerly known as Britney Spears made her first UK television appearance in four years today on Simon Cowell's (of American Idol fame) English imitation series, X-Factor. The belligerent and bloated pop princess put on a show of Cirque-du-Soleil proportions, of which she contributed her mere presence and the occasional hip jiggle-arm flail combo. Couldn't decipher whether or not the vocals were genuinely live or previously recorded - seeing as every song the gal manages to mumble out seems to be an inaudibly lazy robot impersonation anyhow - but did notice her out-of-breath, vaguely interested responses to the post-performance questions, as delivered by Britain's less pretty, but equally star-struck version of Ryan Seacrest.

Poor excuse for a T.V. journalist: (paraphrased) "What advice can you give to the contestants tonight?"

Shadow of her former self, Britney "I should have had those abortions - religion is for suckers" Spears: "Um, good luck, and um, just... keep doin' it."

Well said, Nike. Maybe if they keep 'doin' it' they can end up washed up at 27 years of age as well; with two children that they never seem to tend to, a matching number of ex-husbands (one of whom resembles a peculiar-smelling, Marky Mark-ian mongoose), and that little extra layer of charming belly fat which makes it sooo much easier to give the impression that one is attempting to dance, even at the very slightest of movements.

An entire football field of be-sparkled props, energetic circus dancers, and flowing fountains of flame - and this isn't enough to get your alleged dancer's booty into the groove? What will it take to see you accomplish more than making an awkward loop around the stage? Though, maybe we should be impressed despite the seeming ordinariness of it all. Half the time we witness her in TMZ clips where she can't even execute so much as a stroll to the car (though she still somehow manages to legally and safely drive herself home - reality truly is more incredible than fiction). Nowadays, it appears that the elaborate sets, costumes, special effects, and swarm of seriously talented "back-up" dancers are there merely to serve as a distraction from the blundering, half- anesthetized Spears. A very carefully thought out optical illusion that the UK audience, if no one else, appears to fall for. It's official: the Brits love them some Britney.

God - you're like The Coneheads' ugly child.

As for Simon Cowell, despite my ever-flowing feelings of loathing toward the man, this was the one instance where I was actually looking forward to hearing him utter some obnoxious, bullyish critique in that famous pretension-laced accent of his; and yet - nothing. A standing ovation? How dare you call yourself an outspoken asshole!

I suppose that his rants are somewhat less of a phenomenon when he's back home, overseas. The accent becomes a bit of a novelty when every one else has got it too.

Christ - who made you famous? Oh. Oh yeah.
Is... Is she.... Is she?... Farting?

Techie News: Liar, Liar, iPhone on Fire

Apple's 3G iPhone commercial ad has been banned from television. No - not for being too sexy - although that was apparently also a complaint. Exactly 17 viewers found the new ad to be misleading. The 30 second advert (as the Brits apparently refer to them) displays that the newest iPhone "helps you get the news, really fast", and "download pretty much anything, really fast."

Vague language, indeed, but the viewers (and The Advertising Standards Authority who backed them) said that those who witness the t.v. spot could be bamboozled into thinking the device was actually as speedy as it appears in the vid.

Not a tolerable situation, apparently, and so the commercial was removed. Good to know that 17 bitchy T.V. viewers can make an impact in this big, corporate world of ours. This is the largest problem in these peoples' lives? They must be extremely convincing - maybe they could, say, join forces in order to stop world hunger... maybe that might make their list of priorities.

If you're interested in viewing said outlawed material, you can find the content in the upcoming release of "Banned! Too Hot for T.V.! #17". DVD only $15.99; but you can probably just download it onto your iPhone, really fast... Or can I say that?

iPhone - this month's rebel without a cause!

Drunk at the Movies!: Role Models

Rating:

4 out of 5 Fo'ties.

Who will enjoy it:
Everyone (except those who dislike gratuitious filthy language,
but those fucking people don't fucking matter anyway. Penis.).
Fratties and intellectuals alike can appreciate.

Paying money to watch shitty comedies is not an experience I typically subject myself to at the movie theatre. A flimsy and unfulfilling hour and a half, chop full of three cheap laughs does not a well-spent hard earned $10 make (see: Zack and Miri Make a Porno); but I recently took a chance, and, luckily, it was on Role Models. Mostly, maybe, because the movie features two male actors which I find physically attractive - I'll put my ogling aside, and leave it at that - but also because the trailer made me laugh more in 3 minutes than the whole 101 min of the aforementioned Kevin Smith flick (a mushy, gushy romance with scenes of hardcore porn spliced in - Titanic with tits). The movie (Role Models, that is) is predictable, but despite its predictability, still manages to be satisfying in every aspect.

Watch the trailer; but here's a quick synopsis: two co-workers - one who loves his Red Bull rip-off promoting lifestyle, and one who hates it - break the law (in a very funny battle with a tow-truck driver) and end up having to put in community service time at a youth outreach program (think Big Brother/Big Sister). Neither of them is happy about it. Cue rest of film.

Sean William Scott does his typical frat guy impersonation - lots of sex with random "hotties", a lot of the word 'fuck', and because of it, much foul-mouthed, machismo hilarity ensues. Throw into the mix a little kid who also loves "boobies", cursing, and physically abusing his elders (oh, and argues that every white person is Ben Affleck - especially Paul Rudd. "Wha'ssup, Reindeer Games?") - and you've got a twosome the likes of which haven't been seen since Kindergarten Cop.

Next Paul Rudd, who takes the Paul Rudd route. I was the only pretentious asshole in the theatre to laugh during a Fellini reference, and I peed myself a little when he went off on a Starbucks barista concerning the "tall, grande, venti" language. "Congratulations - you're an idiot in three languages." He's witty, quick, and hates everyone/everything that a bitter depresso should hate - including himself - and you have to love and respect him for it. Now pair him with a Dungeons and Dragons uber-geek who lives solely for live-action role playing (think those kids sporting medieval attire and swords that duel every Sunday in the park) and awesomeness abounds.

As one critic points out, that might just be what makes this movie work so well. The unexpected fusion of two very different schools of comedy that somehow work brilliantly together to deliver every type of quip you might want spouted out at you from a movie screen. Why hasn't anybody attempted this sooner?.. Mindless, irrelevant, dirty and offensive jokes your thing? Grouchy, intellectual puns and asshole observational humor more your style? Well, now you can laugh at both, and feel less guilty about the other in the process. The two previously feuding genres inter-mix perfectly here; not only calling a mere truce, but stepping forward hand-in-hand to display a sweet lesson of friendship that runs deeper than outward differences.
And also, plenty of the word "fuck" - and everyone likes fuck.

And even though you already know what's coming, the ending is the ultimate cherry on top of the pie on top of the whipped cream on top of the chocolate syrup which makes the whole wonderful, giggling mess worth it; and can even have the power to thoroughly brighten up your day.

That's the last thirty minutes of Role Models. A hilarious, and (dare I say it?) touching movie about lost, lonely kids; lost, lonely adults; and the power of imaginary sword-wielding with the best kind of friends - ones that will stand beside you in the Kiss Army in order to defend Middle Earth... to the death.

Verdict: If you haven't already, go see it NOW before it's out of theatres.


But don't take my word for it: Professional critique here.

A Day for the Giving of Thanks

Click to see what I'm most thankful for today.

...

For those of you who do not already know, I currently reside with my father (+ his significant other) and my younger brother. While I'm getting ready to go over to my mother's for Thanksgiving day festivities, my father and brother are watching the newest Rambo movie in the other room.

I'm puttin' me face on, and I overhear this quick commentary to the movie:


Michael, Sr.: "Why would they rape her 50 times? Is that some sort of Burmese tradition?"

Michael, Jr.: "That's how I'd do it."



The end.

Fact: Turkeys LOVE Thanksgiving.

"It's an honour to serve you this day!!"

Happy Turkey Day! From Sarah Palin... and a bunch of pre-slaughter, gobbling turkeys.