The Week in News

My apologies for missing the entire last week and leaving you all post-less (it's finals week; that's my excuse). One heated rant aimed at the somehow successful Britney Spears does not a good blogsite make. So let me make it up to you by doing a quick recap and commentary on this past week's most gossiped about topics.

And now, the bloated and belated news (and some really, really bad photo-shopping):




News Orgs declare, "It's Official!: It's a Recession!"

Thanks for the update, CNN. Good to know you got that stuff they call 'news' on lock down.

And now, everybody; let's boogey to the recession dance!

OJ Simpson's Jailhouse Rock

Ever determined to test the law, Simpson rolls the dice once more in hopes of receiving that infamous "Get out of Jail Free" card.

Not this time, though; or so says the Vegas court system. You're headed for the slammer; not for allegedly murdering your wife, but for forcefully attempting to get back your baseball cards... or jerseys... or whatev (me don't get sports). A much less tough-sounding story for his soon-to-be fellow inmates/BFFs. Also loved the teary breakdown for the judge, "But I said me sowwie!! Please don't put me in jail!! That's how this works, right? I apologize - I'm off the hook. Fine; there are too many white people on the jury!"

We're all aware that there are a great many who believe that OJ killed his former spouse, Nicole Simpson as well as her male friend, Ronald Goldman. He even wrote that book last year called, "If I Did It" which was supposed to describe how Simpson might have committed and gotten away with said murders. Could this multi-year prison sentence be revenge for his supposed 'escape' from punishment for these crimes? The courts say "no"; but why not? After all, as many have noted, Al Capone was responsible for causing hundreds of deaths, but was finally sent to prison for tax evasion. If this truly is the case, then is justice a dish best served cold?.. and a little late? America always gets the final word, OJ; and right now she says, "Gotcha, bitch!"


Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to Pay $7 Million Bar Tab

Hill-Billy is havin' a hoedown with hopes of receiving financial aid that might alleviate Mrs. Clinton's humongous debt. December 15th is the day to be at the New York fund raiser, as hosted by America Ferrara.

So, is it because her name's America? Because, seriously... why America Ferrara? Is that how broke the Clintons are?.. They can't borrow a better celeb? Not even a Shania Twain? Morgan Freeman? Kung Fu Panda? Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

If you want to pay $1000 for a ticket, you get to meet and take a photograph with the former first lady herself. Or is it just a 15 year old in a Disney character costume with a Hillary head on it? I guess it depends on which one's cheaper.

Hillary - you go, girl. Way to pawn your debt off onto other people; I guess that's just how we democrats do.

And, if I may point out, I feel that one option was overlooked. Anybody know the value of Bill Clinton's person on the underground sex market? I think that has the potential to wipe away Hill's bills and then some... and Bill wouldn't mind either.

Former U.S. Presidents Gone Wild! (You think this is good? You should see Nixon party!)

Hope you got a chance to celebrate Prohibition Repeal Day!!

One more excuse for Americans to get drunk! December 5th, 1933 prohibition (which occurred under the Volstead Act - October 28, 1919) was repealed, and Americans were once again legally allowed to drown their sorrows and enjoy the drink of champions/homeless people: liquor. Even Jesus knew that a party without wine and/or appletinis was totally lame-o, and if alcohol is good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for America. Hope you celebrated accordingly.



Devil Throws Up and Unleashes Britney Spears' "Circus" LP into the World...

To shockingly high expectations and decent reviews. Huge sales are predicted for its Tuesday release. The Internet bloggers are abuzz - speculation on 'platinum' status is aplenty. It appears that despite my drunken rant on her drunken performances I have failed to hit a nerve and create a dent in her potential royalties. A real sucker punch to my ego.

Damn you, Spears... you win again. You're the better drunk - I admit it.



And now we're all up to date.