Sod Off Already, Britney Spears

The floundering fuckpot formerly known as Britney Spears made her first UK television appearance in four years today on Simon Cowell's (of American Idol fame) English imitation series, X-Factor. The belligerent and bloated pop princess put on a show of Cirque-du-Soleil proportions, of which she contributed her mere presence and the occasional hip jiggle-arm flail combo. Couldn't decipher whether or not the vocals were genuinely live or previously recorded - seeing as every song the gal manages to mumble out seems to be an inaudibly lazy robot impersonation anyhow - but did notice her out-of-breath, vaguely interested responses to the post-performance questions, as delivered by Britain's less pretty, but equally star-struck version of Ryan Seacrest.

Poor excuse for a T.V. journalist: (paraphrased) "What advice can you give to the contestants tonight?"

Shadow of her former self, Britney "I should have had those abortions - religion is for suckers" Spears: "Um, good luck, and um, just... keep doin' it."

Well said, Nike. Maybe if they keep 'doin' it' they can end up washed up at 27 years of age as well; with two children that they never seem to tend to, a matching number of ex-husbands (one of whom resembles a peculiar-smelling, Marky Mark-ian mongoose), and that little extra layer of charming belly fat which makes it sooo much easier to give the impression that one is attempting to dance, even at the very slightest of movements.

An entire football field of be-sparkled props, energetic circus dancers, and flowing fountains of flame - and this isn't enough to get your alleged dancer's booty into the groove? What will it take to see you accomplish more than making an awkward loop around the stage? Though, maybe we should be impressed despite the seeming ordinariness of it all. Half the time we witness her in TMZ clips where she can't even execute so much as a stroll to the car (though she still somehow manages to legally and safely drive herself home - reality truly is more incredible than fiction). Nowadays, it appears that the elaborate sets, costumes, special effects, and swarm of seriously talented "back-up" dancers are there merely to serve as a distraction from the blundering, half- anesthetized Spears. A very carefully thought out optical illusion that the UK audience, if no one else, appears to fall for. It's official: the Brits love them some Britney.

God - you're like The Coneheads' ugly child.

As for Simon Cowell, despite my ever-flowing feelings of loathing toward the man, this was the one instance where I was actually looking forward to hearing him utter some obnoxious, bullyish critique in that famous pretension-laced accent of his; and yet - nothing. A standing ovation? How dare you call yourself an outspoken asshole!

I suppose that his rants are somewhat less of a phenomenon when he's back home, overseas. The accent becomes a bit of a novelty when every one else has got it too.

Christ - who made you famous? Oh. Oh yeah.
Is... Is she.... Is she?... Farting?

Techie News: Liar, Liar, iPhone on Fire

Apple's 3G iPhone commercial ad has been banned from television. No - not for being too sexy - although that was apparently also a complaint. Exactly 17 viewers found the new ad to be misleading. The 30 second advert (as the Brits apparently refer to them) displays that the newest iPhone "helps you get the news, really fast", and "download pretty much anything, really fast."

Vague language, indeed, but the viewers (and The Advertising Standards Authority who backed them) said that those who witness the t.v. spot could be bamboozled into thinking the device was actually as speedy as it appears in the vid.

Not a tolerable situation, apparently, and so the commercial was removed. Good to know that 17 bitchy T.V. viewers can make an impact in this big, corporate world of ours. This is the largest problem in these peoples' lives? They must be extremely convincing - maybe they could, say, join forces in order to stop world hunger... maybe that might make their list of priorities.

If you're interested in viewing said outlawed material, you can find the content in the upcoming release of "Banned! Too Hot for T.V.! #17". DVD only $15.99; but you can probably just download it onto your iPhone, really fast... Or can I say that?

iPhone - this month's rebel without a cause!

Drunk at the Movies!: Role Models

Rating:

4 out of 5 Fo'ties.

Who will enjoy it:
Everyone (except those who dislike gratuitious filthy language,
but those fucking people don't fucking matter anyway. Penis.).
Fratties and intellectuals alike can appreciate.

Paying money to watch shitty comedies is not an experience I typically subject myself to at the movie theatre. A flimsy and unfulfilling hour and a half, chop full of three cheap laughs does not a well-spent hard earned $10 make (see: Zack and Miri Make a Porno); but I recently took a chance, and, luckily, it was on Role Models. Mostly, maybe, because the movie features two male actors which I find physically attractive - I'll put my ogling aside, and leave it at that - but also because the trailer made me laugh more in 3 minutes than the whole 101 min of the aforementioned Kevin Smith flick (a mushy, gushy romance with scenes of hardcore porn spliced in - Titanic with tits). The movie (Role Models, that is) is predictable, but despite its predictability, still manages to be satisfying in every aspect.

Watch the trailer; but here's a quick synopsis: two co-workers - one who loves his Red Bull rip-off promoting lifestyle, and one who hates it - break the law (in a very funny battle with a tow-truck driver) and end up having to put in community service time at a youth outreach program (think Big Brother/Big Sister). Neither of them is happy about it. Cue rest of film.

Sean William Scott does his typical frat guy impersonation - lots of sex with random "hotties", a lot of the word 'fuck', and because of it, much foul-mouthed, machismo hilarity ensues. Throw into the mix a little kid who also loves "boobies", cursing, and physically abusing his elders (oh, and argues that every white person is Ben Affleck - especially Paul Rudd. "Wha'ssup, Reindeer Games?") - and you've got a twosome the likes of which haven't been seen since Kindergarten Cop.

Next Paul Rudd, who takes the Paul Rudd route. I was the only pretentious asshole in the theatre to laugh during a Fellini reference, and I peed myself a little when he went off on a Starbucks barista concerning the "tall, grande, venti" language. "Congratulations - you're an idiot in three languages." He's witty, quick, and hates everyone/everything that a bitter depresso should hate - including himself - and you have to love and respect him for it. Now pair him with a Dungeons and Dragons uber-geek who lives solely for live-action role playing (think those kids sporting medieval attire and swords that duel every Sunday in the park) and awesomeness abounds.

As one critic points out, that might just be what makes this movie work so well. The unexpected fusion of two very different schools of comedy that somehow work brilliantly together to deliver every type of quip you might want spouted out at you from a movie screen. Why hasn't anybody attempted this sooner?.. Mindless, irrelevant, dirty and offensive jokes your thing? Grouchy, intellectual puns and asshole observational humor more your style? Well, now you can laugh at both, and feel less guilty about the other in the process. The two previously feuding genres inter-mix perfectly here; not only calling a mere truce, but stepping forward hand-in-hand to display a sweet lesson of friendship that runs deeper than outward differences.
And also, plenty of the word "fuck" - and everyone likes fuck.

And even though you already know what's coming, the ending is the ultimate cherry on top of the pie on top of the whipped cream on top of the chocolate syrup which makes the whole wonderful, giggling mess worth it; and can even have the power to thoroughly brighten up your day.

That's the last thirty minutes of Role Models. A hilarious, and (dare I say it?) touching movie about lost, lonely kids; lost, lonely adults; and the power of imaginary sword-wielding with the best kind of friends - ones that will stand beside you in the Kiss Army in order to defend Middle Earth... to the death.

Verdict: If you haven't already, go see it NOW before it's out of theatres.


But don't take my word for it: Professional critique here.

A Day for the Giving of Thanks

Click to see what I'm most thankful for today.

...

For those of you who do not already know, I currently reside with my father (+ his significant other) and my younger brother. While I'm getting ready to go over to my mother's for Thanksgiving day festivities, my father and brother are watching the newest Rambo movie in the other room.

I'm puttin' me face on, and I overhear this quick commentary to the movie:


Michael, Sr.: "Why would they rape her 50 times? Is that some sort of Burmese tradition?"

Michael, Jr.: "That's how I'd do it."



The end.

Fact: Turkeys LOVE Thanksgiving.

"It's an honour to serve you this day!!"

Happy Turkey Day! From Sarah Palin... and a bunch of pre-slaughter, gobbling turkeys.

Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous

Everyone's got stars in their eyes these days - even legitimate and world-renowned news organizations.

Of course, the hot topic today is the Mumbai, India attacks. You can find extensive audio, video, and written coverage on every major news site right now. CNN still manages to keep things in perspective, however, by discussing the most important aspects of the chaotic tragedy - the celebrity perspective.

Sandwiched right between links for articles discussing "Who is to blame for Mumbai attacks?" and "Witness: Gunfire 'sounded like firecrackers'" is this article: "Ex-wife of pop icon Prince flees from India gunfire" - granting the article slightly less importance than the "Who dun' it?", and more significance than the eyewitness account made by (as they refer to us in Hollywood) your typical 'normie'.

The "ex-wife of Prince" recounts,

"We left everything behind, including purses and phones," said Testolini, the ex-wife of music icon Prince and founder of In A Perfect World children's foundation. "There was a lot of panic."

So much panic that they were unable to tote their humongous Louis Vuitton bags and limited edition Fendi clutches. Who cares, right? We'll just buy another one!!

"Testolini [the woman formerly known as the wife of Prince] said she and 200 others waited in the dark ballroom for several hours..."

Celebrities, even minute ones, only hide out in style. Not in caves and under boxes or furniture like us, but in ballrooms. If you're gonna hide out, do it right.

"Testolini and her colleagues eventually found shelter in an undisclosed location, where they are keeping up with the news on their BlackBerrys, waiting for signs that it's safe to move."

Talk about plug of the century! BlackBerry must have paid at least 2 mill for it. I've got the new commercial all worked out... A frightened Mary Kate and Ashley in head-to-toe couture, hiding out in a stylishly gray ballroom underneath a designer dining chair, constantly and dramatically turning to their BlackBerrys for news that eventually leads to safety. BlackBerry - saves lives. Lives that matter. Like those of famous, good-looking people.

So thank you, CNN, for proving to us that in our celebrity-obsessed culture, even the slightly famous (by way of marriage - a dissolved marriage - and not even to a good celebrity, but one that has been made obscure and obsolete by time) is more important than the not-at-all famous. And also that BlackBerrys provide the path to salvation in any given situation.

Take that, iPhone.

Coming Soon: New Vomit Feature

In the next few weeks you can expect a new interactive feature on Brain Vomit. This will be a (roughly) bi-weekly poll which shall be taken in conjunction with a related article. The new feature will be called "Elimination Bout", and will work as follows:

I will post an article which describes two specific items, instances, and/or persons/groups (celebrity and otherwise) which are undeniably and universally intolerable. Example: Ashton Kutcher in those Koolpix Nikon commercials; or snobby yuppie parents who shamelessly and pretentiously brag about their kids who know three dead languages at the age of 2 and a half; etc. I'm sure you get the jist. E-mail or leave comments on this and other related posts to make suggestions. Winning suggestions will be included in future Elimination Bouts.

Once two contenders are chosen, a poll will be placed on the top right-hand space of this blogsite. There you will have the opportunity to vote between the two, and choose who/what you most desire to send to a permanent resting place, and have removed completely from society and its memory.

Polls will be open for 10 days. Afterward, the results will be unveiled via a video recording of two live actors in representative attire (i.e.: an Ashton lookalike wearing a 'slick' suit and camera Versus a boy in a diaper with a Chinese abacus) fighting to the death. You get to see the elimination bout unfold right before your very eyes... and whoever it is that dies, you know that's who won the Vomit poll.

Each Elimination Bout will also include a unique and unadvertised fighting style, which will only be revealed upon the video's release here on the site.

Some examples to look forward to:


Hope please you, this does. Watch for updates concerning this new, up-and-coming feature!

(Note: If there are not enough participants - a minimum of 7 voters - that week's Elimination Bout will be canceled. So please - spread the word! And utilize your right to vote! Thank you.)

Dear Sugar; Please Die.

Sex-ed you couldn't have learned on your own, whilst playing with your Barbie dolls

While Googling "Madonna sex with animals" I found this little diddy of an article on the "Dear Sugar" portion of the PopSugar website:

I just recently saw that hilarious movie Knocked Up, and I wanted to set something straight. When the guys were talking, one of them said something about how everyone knows that a girl can't get pregnant if she's on top while having sex. According to his belief, gravity makes sure the sperm doesn't get to the egg.

Ladies, listen up... he is completely incorrect. Anytime a man ejaculates inside a woman, the semen goes into her vagina and those sperm use all their might and determination to swim upstream. If even just one of them gets to your egg to fertilize it, boom — you're pregnant regardless of what position you have sex in. Unprotected sex can equal unplanned pregnancy.

Top notch journalism, girlfriend! Oh wait, I shouldn't say that, should I? Since you don't have any comprehension of the meaning behind "comedy", "joke", "sarcasm", "idiocy".

I hope you all learned something today - I know I did. This effectively explains my 47 chil'ren.

Okay, one more childhood sex-ed flashback for nostalgia purposes. This time for the fellas. Hollaaa:

Madonna is Yuckies. That is all.

Madonna Set on Not Giving a Shit Concerning Recent Divorce

According to some unnamed source that People.com utilizes, "It's a sad situation, but she's not heartbroken... She's handling it well." Yes, usually sex with men other than your (ex) husband does translate into "handling it well".

Madonna, of course, can attribute much of her fame and success to her scandalous whoring. Sex videos, sex books, sex with animals, sex with celebrities, sex with celebrity animals (We hear Foghorn Leghorn is a real COCK. Not funny? Yeah, you're probably right - not funny.)... you name it - Madonna's got the t-shirt.

It comes with XL loose-fitting sleeves for her big muscilicious yoga arms to fit into! (May I just add.... most horrifying photo shop I've ever done. Ever.)

People goes on to report,

Also helping her through the tough time is her ex-husband. The singer and [Sean] Penn were spotted having drinks at the Greenwich Hotel in Manhattan on Wednesday night. "They have a nice rapport," says the source. "There's nothing romantic there."

"Nothing romantic" because having sex with Madonna is not romantic. Having sex with Madonna is paid, forced, or disturbing. Just ask that monkey. Di-stur-bing. And anyway, no one wants to have sex with Sean Penn anymore either. No one likes old people sex; no one except fans of the movie The Notebook.

Get over yourself, Nicholas Sparks, you sick, old-person loving bastard.

Eventually, the joke will be on Madonna, however. While Ritchie was wedded to the ancient succubus and sex addict, he reportedly discovered her Mystical Blood Crystal of Aljesuousbursmos hidden deep, deep beneath her granny panty drawer (which is guarded by the giant, fantastical three-headed dog, Fluffy, from Harry Potter - it pays to be rich).

This life-giving relic has kept Madonna active, fit, making out with pop icons, and producing records for the last 100 or so years - and now it belongs to Ritchie. Due to this trade-off (and possibly the only explanation as to why Ritchie did not ask for more of Madonna's $$$ in the divorce settlement), it is prophesied that Madonna shall die in the year 2012 of a massive heart attack (during sex with monkeys... And so it shall pass.), while Guy is now set to make Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Laser Guns; de-virginize Miley Cyrus (who's into old guys anyway. Am I right, or am I right?); and get just as notoriously old person ripped as his gap-toothed predecessor. Let the games begin!!

And John McCain is This Year's Miss Congenialty!

McCain responds, "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gaaaay (Which is, of course, evil, immoral, recently illegal (thanks to voters like you!), and an abomination in the eyes of the Lord)."

Trust Mr. McCain to ruin a perfectly good musical number. Did you hear that McCain?! I said you're BOOOORING!

It seems as though President-elect Obama is handing out Runner-Up positions this week. "Thank you for playing, sorry I had to beat you - no hard feelings; how does Secretary of State sound?"

News organizations and politicos have all been abuzz the past week over the P.E.'s potential picks for his national security team, etceteras, etceteras. Allegedly, Hillary Clinton is a shoe-in for Secretary of State (that is, of course, if that nasty rascal Bill doesn't ruin it for her... and his little library fund too...). Other names revealed, as per drawn from a big, George Washington-style hat, for his economic team?

Heading his economic team are expected to be Timothy Geithner as Treasury secretary and Lawrence Summers as head of the National Economic Council. Obama apparently also has settled on New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson as his commerce secretary.

I love that NPR chooses the words "...apparently also has settled on... Bill Richardson". Insinuating both shock and vague disappointment; but I, for one, am happy about the pick. I loved former presidential candidate Bill Richardson throughout the campaigning, if, for nothing else, simply how incredibly sincere and kind he seems. He reminds me of a puppy. A Latino puppy... and in my eyes, that's all the expertise he needs.

John Edwards, for one, won't be seeing any action this term. Adulterers don't get to play the game! Those is the rules.

And now it's time for...

Dow Jones Admits "Pressure too great", Turns to Life of Cocaine Abuse

Dow Jones comes out to tell the world "Enough is enough" and that "[I've] been struggling with the ups and downs of the market... I just haven't been able to overcome the lack of faith and support, along with all the negativity and disappointment. It's been a constant downward spiral... I've just got to numb myself out, you know what I mean? I just gotta numb myself the [expletive] out. I feel myself crashing."

Those close to Jones have been suspicious for months. "He wasn't showing up at work half of the time. I mean... 400 points in one day? He was dropping straight to the floor. We haven't seen this kind of irresponsible trend in years. We thought we had it all together, thought we had it made on the market... We were all taking unnecessary risks... it's a kind of high in itself."

As loved ones attempt an intervention (which has been somewhat successful - Jones closed at a nearly 500 point increase Friday, November 20th) Jones joins the ranks of many a celebrity coke-head: Robert Downy Jr., Courtney Love, Lindsay Lohan, (Soon-to-be) Former President George W. Bush, Yogi Bear, and so on, and so on.

"The issues with CitiBank and GM.... if someone doesn't help out soon, I just don't know... Maybe he just needs to learn his lesson. Maybe we all need to learn a lesson."

No word yet on who will be taking responsibility for Nasdaq. Until the economy turns around, and Jones overcomes his many problems, it appears that the youth is doomed to be left unmonitored in a cold, harsh, unstable and unpredictable market - a recipe for disaster - not to mention - child predators.

Be you frightened, child?

Vomit vows to keep you up to date on these critical issues. Visit any local department store or car lot near you to find more information on how to donate funds. Together we can save our economy! (And find out how to receive a free American flag lapel pin with every $5 or more donation!)

Lindsay Update!!!

While Sam Ronson was off at yet another anti-hair removal cream rally...

(I'm sayin' that bitch got a 'stache, y'all)

Exhibit A:
























Ok, yes, I admit - it's difficult to see at this distance; but I assure you - it's there... and may I add: very much alive. In case I have yet to convince you, let's zoom in for a more detailed look:



















Mustache hungryyy!!!

Now, while Sam was off valiantly fighting for a cause that she so blatantly and understandably believes in (billions of feminine mustaches are harmed or killed off each day by smelly depilatory creams, bleaches, etc.), Lindsay was commencing some unquestionably scandalous behavior.

Gasp!! Could it be? Could Lindsay have possibly fallen for the infamous seductive powers of...

Burgers aren't the only thing he burgles.
Damn he's good.

Whenever You're Feeling Down About the World's Woes--Just Remember Lindsay!

Yeah, peace signs are pretty cool, I guess.

Lindsay Lohan doesn't give a box of bleach about the world's economic and/or energy crisis issues, etc. etc., so on and so forth, yada yada yada; but she does have a heart, people, and that heart is breaking!

Despite a recent interview in which Lindsay stated (concerning her girlfriend, DJ and anti-depilatory cream protester, Sam Ronson) that she loves her, but that she (Lindsay) is not a lesbian, or even bisexual, really, Lindsay was spotted at 4 in the A.M. outside of some hip club that you nor I could ever weasel our way into, blubbering on the pavement like a red-headed attention whore all hopped up on cocaine.

Allegedly the twosome got into quite the lover's tiff. Aww, young, gay love (which is not gay).

It seems that Lindsay's fanbase is just as confused, and insane, and drunk as Lindsay herself. While reading the article, I caught this commentator's take on the situation:

RE: Lindsay Lohan Cries In Street

Lindsay's heart and mind are not united and she has multiple addictions. Relationship with Samantha, is the closest she's been to happy, healthy for many, many years. Lindsay's demanding an open relationship, is asking permission act out on public stage some of her addictions in search of validation and acceptance AND an illusional fix for problems with deep family roots. Needs more therapy & off public radar. Lindsay very good person but insecure, a bit spoiled, with too much public-family pressure.Samantha is a no-pretense, private and protective woman, who has neither agenda nor need to exploit Lindsay as a celebrity. Samantha deserves an award as tolerant and caring friend AND Samantha and her family are the ones with the money, so she is NOT 'in it for the money'.

Who is this Iespoir person? And why does he care so much? Does he truly know so well the ins and outs of Lindsay Lohan's private life? You'll be bored to death to know, Vomit fans, that I decided to crack down and use my investigatory skills on this one. What conclusion did my queries lead to?

A small, hairless, cologne-drenched man (possibly of a species related to the Guinea Pig family) with pretentious airs and a profile that includes a long list of wines and, what I lovingly refer to as, penis cars (the men who drive them have little penises... duhsies! LOL!)


So here are the stats on Iespoir:

39 Male

What I Enjoy: Good Friends, Real Love. - Skiing... I also enjoy Sailing, Gambeling at the Casino... Plus Collecting Rare Coins, Stamps and Books. Collecting Original Art (any artist) I value: privacy, integrity and success. Music wise I enjoy... Herbie Hancock... Soft Rock (ie: Sting, David Bowie, Robert Palmer, Foreigner. Favorite Female vocalist (Sarah Brightman, and Joni Mitchell). Favorite Drink: Water, Wine and Champagne... Favorite Calogne: Bulgari & Traditional. Clothing: Casual- Banana Republic & Ralph Lauren. Business- Armani, Gucci and Theory. Car: Porsche & Pathfinder SUV. Also, long walks on the beach and pooping my pants.

Okay, I added that last sentence; but I'm pretty sure it's true anyway. Quite a catch, don't you think, Lindsay? Be enough to persuade me from phony lesbianism any day. My faves part is at the bottom of the profile, underneath the column where "Friends and Activity" should (but is not) be:

"Woe is this Fluxer for they have no friends. Why not ease their suffering and add them to your friends list?"

First of all, I applaud this mercilessly vicious and cruel social networking site. Bravo, sirs, bravo. Just one more way to drive psychotic lonely people into righteous thoughts of suicide. You're really doing your part to rid us normies of the scum of the Earth. Real American heroes.

Second, if this Iespoir claims to know Lindsay sooo well, why is it that his BFF doesn't be-friend him on Fluxer? Why is she not listed under his "Friends and Activity" section? Listen - just because she stares out at you from the magazine covers doesn't mean she really means it, Iespoir. You're just going to have to move on... it's time.

Now, for your enjoyment, I leave you with the result of a very high-tech and dependable procedure which allows us to see what the spawn of certain persons would look like if they were ever forced to enter into this world. Without further ado, I give you the lovechild of Lindsay and Sam:



Gorgeeeeooouuuus, dahling!

Jacksonville FL Sherriff's Office Vows to Turn Rape Victim onto Life of Prostitution

This guy, who raped the victim... This guy, who's name is Jonathan Tave, who I have pictured here on this black and white print out from my house with Sharpie scribble all over it...

More cohesive and professional story here:

Correctional Officer raped by inmate, intends to sue employer due to inadequate security

According to Henry E. Gare, a local attorney and adamant (but, ehhhhhhh, not so funny) blogger, it is up for debate whether or not the victim will see any success with her intended lawsuit against the JSO.

The big question in her case is if she will be allowed to go forward with this Jacksonville lawsuit against her employer or will worker's compensation be her only legal remedy.

Oh, it is my wish of wishes and dream of dreams that my place of employment would financially compensate me for getting a free shag in the library at shankpoint. Not fair! What’dya think’ll cut it? Like, a 20? Twenty bucks? It couldn’t have been that good - I heard her on the radio, and she said all she did was stare at the ceiling the whole time. Twenty seems fair considering services rendered. I've done less than that in bed and gotten nothin'. But, on the up side, I now get to spend an eternity burning in Hell for writing this article. Mazal Tov!

Tim Burton to Johnny Depp, "You're Nothing but a Cocktease and Heavenly Bone Structure!"

"Whosoever wears the eyeliner... gets bottomsies!!"

Another Johnny Depp and Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter and Danny Elfman collaboration/reunion movie. This time, a remake of Alice in Wonderland (more on the rest of the castlist, which is actually superb minus Anne Hathoway. Do I smell a new celebrity obsession for Mr. Burton? We shall see, we shall see.) as endorsed by Disney. Hmmm, sounds scrumpdilioumptious. The glee of it all is sure to make those kids from junior high with poorly multi-colored dyed hair and chains hanging out of their pockets cream their best Jncos. But am I the only one getting sick of watching Johnny Depp parade around in gothic makeup in a demented cartoon land as created by Tim Burton? What happened to you Johnny Depp? Before you started sucking Tim Burton's dick you actually had some Johnny deppth (Shot in the dark. A for effort?). You had range and originality - now you have kohl liner and expensive wigs. You queen.

Depp, who is surprisingly not cast as the lead of Alice (mustache issues - more's the pity), is set to play the Mad Hatter. Oh, what a shocker. One of the most delightfully delirious and costumey-ed characters in all of Wonderland. No doubt we're in store for a reprisal of his failed Willy Wonka interpretation. Well, they do both wear giant, funny hats.

Here is one of the first images to be released:

Odd - that is exactly what Carrot Top looked like in a nightmare I suffered through the other night...

Tim Burton loves it when his bitches look dead. Case in point, his wife, Helena, who is (by her own admission) Johnny Depp with a vag(ina) ;)

Eerie. Like looking into a mirror; isn't it, Johnny?

Now for kicks and shits and curb-checks to the face, let's compose a quick recap of all of Johnny's most well-known works in which it could be said that at least 75% of the character's popularity is most likely stemmed from Gothic, theatrical makeup.

1) It begins - with Edward Scissorhands













2) Years later, he catches the itch again with Sleepy Hollow










3) Captain Jack - ever since, it seems as though Depp keeps eyeliner in his back pocket for touch-ups (Gotta have my goths!)










4) Even in claymation, as in the Corpse Bride













5) Then there was the aforementioned abomination that is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, with Johnny's Baby Michael Jackson voice-acting (and then Gene Wilder wept)









6) Then came Sweeney Todd -- Burton's ultimate orgasm. The chance to pair Helena and Johnny together in a depressing, gray environment, and to make them both look like decaying rag doll abortions.










7) And, finally, The Mad Hatter (As pictured above).

So just how much do you, the reader, guestimate of Mr. Depp's fortune and fame is due to a little $4 eye pencil? Maybe we'll never, ever know.



P.S.- On a sidenote, why for the love of white, pasty makeup does Burton/Bonham-Carter's kid look so much like a character from one of his kooky little claymations? Did someone "accidentally" take a prop home with them and bring it to life as per Frankenweenie science? Did you learn no moral lessons from that arthouse masterpiece, Tim Burton, you son of a bitch?!

Obama Puts Ho in Place on 60 Minutes

Now I know that I'm a little late making a post concerning this subject. Obama's interview on 60 Minutes was upwards of a week and a half ago, but in my defense, this blog was not in effect at that particular time. So let's ignore the problem, and move on to the real issues - marital issues, that is.

That's right. You heard it here first. Michelle and Barack are falling apart (The sexy and happy couple pictured above). The vigorous campaigning away from home that occurred all throughout the last two years, the stress of the upcoming presidential office, the indecision on what kind of puppy to get for the girls. All of which must be terrible for Mrs. Obama to cope with. But what really irks the soon-to-be first lady, is the Pesident-elect's lack of appreciation for an (over)opinionated woman.

Here, the recent interview with both Barack and Michelle on 60 Minutes:

Interview with the Obamas - Click to watch!

You'll notice that President-elect Obama does a pretty damn good job on his own for most of the interview. Then 60 Minutes decides to allow the Missus onto the program (This at about 20 minutes in).

Then suddenly the interview turns into a smörgåsbord of boring old stories about college apartments and slumber parties and school trips. Every question thrown at the couple gets immediately intercepted by the future first lady, and receives a rambling and lengthy response. To the point that in order to answer the final question of the interview, Barack is forced to bitch slap Michelle and talk about manlier topics - like college football.

The public diss caught on tape!

Ooh, Obama, you a bad mutha--Michelle, shut yo' mouth!

Michelle sneaks in one final retort, however... a subtle symbol to represent her feelings.

That's the spirit, Michelle... Don't you let The Man bring you down!